I recently realized I have this belief about wanting things that has me feeling trapped. I remember being taken to the toy store as a young child and my dad telling me I could have any ONE thing in the store that I wanted. I suspect he was trying to empower me. Trouble was, he didn't know I already was. I had no issue with that until I chose the biggest thing in the store, a surrey (a kind of peddle-driven golf cart), and saw his reaction to my choice. He laughed and said, "Well, I did say anything!" and bought it for me anyway. At that moment, I believed I had made him (the god of my world) do something he didn't want to do by simply wanting something. Whoa! Too much responsibility for a kid.
So here’s how this belief (or programming) that I put into place as a child shows up in my life. If I want money, I have to do things I don't want to do like work; if I want a body I have to do things I don't want to do like eat; if I want a clean house I have to do things I don't want to do like vacuum and dust; if I want to share my knowledge about parenting, I have to do things I don't want to do like write a book... Never mind I actually like doing all those things, except when I "have to."
You might know this feeling. I want to do something like write, but somehow when I get to do it, suddenly catching up on email or even doing weeding looks like what I want to do instead. What I want keeps slipping around on me like that unless I just make myself do something (in keeping with my belief). It seems all my wants in the world of thoughts and emotions create "not wants" in the world of doing. Catch 22. The way out has been to NOT want anything, so I don't “have to” do anything I don't want to do, plus no disappointment!
Maybe allowing myself to be right is what I need to do for a while. Just go ahead and do things I don't want to do and keep not wanting to do them instead of trying to tell myself, "Well, you said you wanted to, and now you don't. You ungrateful thing!" I know that when I start something, I don't want to stop. The story must just come up at the point of change. Oh! No wonder I hate interruptions. It starts the cycle all over again and I have to make myself do something I don't want to do to again until I get lost in it.
The thoughts keep coming. Money, wanting, disappointment, appreciation, change, interruption...all my big ones rolled into one. Talking or writing about it certainly helps.
So now, I want to write. But boy, finished laundry and a clean house are sure starting to look good. Rats, I need to eat, too. OK, let me try not resisting. I'll just SAY WHAT I SEE myself feeling: "You don't want to write, you don't want to write, you don't want to write..."
Hmmm. Not bad. We'll see where this takes me.
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